A House of Order

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Isn't It About Provident Living?

One of the major causes of contention in marriages is over money.  “For the love of money is the root of all evil..” (1 Timothy 6:10).  We definitely need money to provide the basics, in order to survive.  However, if we do not keep our priorities in order, “the love of money” can consume our lives.

We often hear about Ebenezer Scrooge this time of year.  At the beginning of, “A Christmas Carol,” Mr. Scrooge is an unhappy selfish man.  After being visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, Scrooge realizes that his greed will not bring him happiness.  He learns that money will not bring him everlasting happiness.  He eventually  finds joy in sharing what he has with others.

Marriage comes with so many different adjustments.  Money definitely complicates the marriage relationship.  When two people come together from very different backgrounds and views on money, this can be a source of contention.  

President N. Eldon Tanner, former First Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints taught:  “I am convinced that it is not the amount of money an individual earns that brings peace of mind as much as it is having control of his money.  Money can be an obedient servant, but a harsh taskmaster.”  (“Constancy and Change,” Ensign, June 1982)  

As we work together in marriage on our finances, we will find the peace that comes from wisely using the resources the Lord has blessed us with.  

Week #13 Challenge

Set aside time this week to set a long-term financial goal with your spouse.  What steps do you need to take to accomplish this goal?  If you are single set a long-term financial goal that will help secure your financial future.   

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Isn't It About Working Together?

One of my favorite stories is told by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  In the chapel of the church where he attended, a group of men were asked to move a grand piano.  They tried with great difficulty to move this piano, but nothing seemed to work.  Finally one of the men spoke up and said, “...stand close together and lift where you stand.”  As the men stood together and each lifted the piano, they were able to move the piano to where it needed to be.


Marriage requires a lot of “lifting where we stand.”  For a marriage to be successful, we need to do our part to work together.  My husband and I own a painting business.  In 2007 when the economy took a downturn, our business wasn’t doing well at all.  We found ourselves with many bills to pay and hardly any income.  This was a difficult time for us.  We struggled and sadly didn’t get along very well during this time.  It wasn’t until we both started working together that we were able to overcome this difficult struggle.  We were blessed as we worked together.  Things did not change right away, but we became closer as we did our best to work together.   This was a growing time for us and our relationship was strengthened as we learned to “stand close together and lift where [we] stand.”

Week # 12 Challenge
With the new year coming up, decide on a goal that will help you become more unified with your spouse. If you are not married decide on a goal that you can work on in the upcoming year that will help prepare you for marriage.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Isn't It About Putting Each Other First?



I would like each of us to take a minute and think about what we did today.  I am sure most of us have days that are filled with work, children, friends, errands, projects that need finishing, and homework that needs to be done.  With twenty-four hours in a day, you would think it would be enough time to fit everything in.  If you are anything like me, there is always something (a lot of somethings in my case) that are left undone.  

As we think about what we have accomplished in our day, do we feel we gave the attention we needed to to the most important things in our lives?  Former General Relief Society President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Sister Julie B. Beck taught:  “When our priorities are out of order, we lose power.”  When my days start to feel crazy, and I am feeling overwhelmed I think of her inspiring words.  I often get distracted and forget the reason why I am really here.  I am grateful to be a wife and mother, but do the things I do each day reflect that this is my number one priority?

Brent A. Barlow councils us:  “A husband needs to spend time with his wife.  The two need to have time together to share ideas, to grow and learn together, and to experience joy together.  A wife is not going to be too excited about a husband who spends all his time at work, at church meetings, in hobbies that exclude her, or in front of the television or newspaper.  A husband who always spends time in ways that exclude his wife communicates to her that she is not very important.  Yet his wife should be the most important person in his life.”  The same is also true of wives.  We need to make sure our husbands come first as well!

As we put each other first in our marriage, we will find happiness.  We will be given the strength we need to meet our daily challenges, and find joy in our marriage relationships.

Week #11 Challenge

Make a conscious effort this week to put the needs of your spouse before your own.  If you are not married, think of ways you can become more selfless.  Write down qualities you feel are necessary in a relationship.  

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Isn't It About More?


What does marriage mean to you?  This answer will definitely vary from person to person.  What marriage means to one couple, will be different for another.  

When my husband and I were first married, my view on marriage was definitely not what it is today.  I could not imagine loving my husband more than I did the day we married.  Fortunately, my love for my husband has grown stronger.  We have had many happy times, but it is through the difficult times, I have found that we have become closer.

About five years ago I started having health problems.  We went to doctor after doctor trying to figure out what was going on.  This was a very frustrating time for me!  We were not getting any answers, and I was sick and tired of going to appointments and not getting any closer to figuring out what was wrong.  There were so many days that I would vow never to go to another doctor again.  My husband would not let me give up.  He was always right there to encourage and take care of me.

After about a year and a half, we found out that I had a hole in my heart.  We were so grateful we finally found the reason for my health issues.  I had surgery, and started feeling better right away.  

Looking back, there are days I wonder how we made it through this time.  It doesn’t take long before I realize, it was because of my husband.  He was strong when I wasn’t.  He was right there to support and encourage me when I wanted to give up.  

Marriage has it’s ups and downs.  Life is not perfect, as we all know.  Marriage isn’t about just the happy joyous times, it’s about so so so much more!

Week #10 Challenge

Write a note of appreciation to your spouse, thanking him or her for a specific time when they were supportive of you.  If you are not married, write a note of appreciation to someone in your life who has helped you through a difficult time.  

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Isn't It About Forgiveness?


I included one of my favorite stories from a New Era from January of 1996.  My mom told it to us often in our home.  I am not sure if including it is child nostalgia on my part, or if trying to summarize the story would not do it justice:

Pockets Full of Rocks
By Larry R. Hiller

Malcolm Tent was still a young man when he began putting rocks in his pockets. It started one day when his boss, Mr. Gump, got angry at him for something that wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t yell back at his boss, because he might get fired. In fact, there wasn’t anything he could do except be angry inside. “But,” he thought, “I’m not going to forget this. No way.”

On the way home from the bus stop that night, he thought to himself, “I’ve got to remember how angry I am. I don’t want to forget this in the morning.” Suddenly he had an idea. There was a small rock on the sidewalk in front of him. He picked it up and said softly to himself, “I’ll keep this rock in my pocket to remind me of how unfair Mr. Gump was.”

And that’s what he did. That night he put the rock on his dresser with his keys and his comb. The next morning, when he got dressed to go to work, into his pocket went the ugly gray rock.

All that day and the next, the heavy bulge in his pocket reminded him that he should be angry at Mr. Gump. Strangely, Mr. Gump seemed to have forgotten about the whole thing. But not Malcolm Tent. Oh no. In fact, during the next two weeks, Mr. Gump made Malcolm angry several more times, and Malcolm decided he’d better get a rock for each time so he could keep better track of these things.

And so it was that Malcolm Tent’s trousers began to look baggy and strange. But at least he remembered not to forgive Mr. Gump or be friendly or anything like that.

Maybe if Malcolm had only collected rocks when he got angry at old Gump, this thing might have died out and been forgotten. But there was the taxi driver who drove right by and left Malcolm standing in the rain. Into his pocket went a shiny, rain-slick pebble from the gutter. (Of course, Malcolm had no idea of the taxi driver’s name, but it didn’t matter.) Then there was the grocery clerk who short-changed him. And the newspaper delivery boy who threw his paper into the lawn sprinkler. And the neighbor whose dog barked late at night. And … well, Malcolm discovered that there were all kinds of people and things in the world that can bother you.

Speaking of discoveries, Malcolm also discovered that when all of your pockets are full of rocks, a plain old belt won’t hold up your pants. (He discovered that fact while his arms were full of grocery sacks.) So he made himself a sturdy pair of leather suspenders to help hold up his pants.

But soon the time came when he didn’t have enough pockets in his pants, so he had to wear a jacket everywhere he went—the kind of jacket with lots of pockets. And it wasn’t long before the jacket looked as funny as his trousers. And smelled just as dusty. And got even heavier because it had more pockets.

Anyone else might have given up at this point, but not Malcolm. He bought one of those big sturdy briefcases like salesmen use. After all, when you start to look for them, there are all kinds of things in life that can bother you. And when you are always tired from lugging so many rocks around, you get angry even easier.

Years went by, and Malcolm’s collection of reminder rocks spilled out of his pockets and briefcase and all over his house. He had rocks on the kitchen sink, and in his closets, and all over the floors. A few times he even put a rock in his bed so he could remember to be angry during the night. Let’s face it. Malcolm had become a strange, unpleasant man. And most people avoided him when they could, which made him even touchier. Rocks are not very good company. They are hard and dusty, and in the winter they are very cold.

Now, Malcolm might have gone on to become a mean old man completely buried in rocks. But one day he received a phone call from a geology professor at the university. Dr. Igneous had heard of Malcolm’s large rock collection (who hadn’t?), and he wanted to bring his geology class on a field trip to see it.

“Well,” thought Malcolm, “at last here is someone who appreciates my rocks. Wait until they see all of these reminders of how often people have wronged me.” An appointment was made for the next Saturday, and Malcolm spent the next few evenings dusting and arranging.

At last Saturday came, and at two o’clock in the afternoon the doorbell rang. There, on the porch, stood Professor Igneous and seven of his best students, all dressed in their best field-trip outdoor clothing. Several had rock hammers dangling from their belts, and one or two carried cameras. And everyone carried a notebook and pencil. Professor Igneous himself looked rather ordinary. But he had a ready smile. And his face was deeply tanned from spending years out of doors. As a matter of fact, there was something about his eyes, too. They looked deep and dark, but they had a sparkle that said he enjoyed life. And when he looked at you, it was the same look he gave mountains and rock formations—as though he were trying to peer inside. This was a scientist who liked people at least as much as he liked rocks.

As the professor and students stepped into the rock-filled living room, Malcolm expected to hear oohs and aahs. You know, like you hear at a fireworks show. Instead, there was an uncomfortable silence. The group just stood there looking around, nudging a few of the rocks with their toes. Then the students looked at their professor, waiting for him to say something. After all, this was not the collection of beautiful gems and minerals they had expected. These were ordinary hunks of limestone and sandstone and quartzite. Why, there were even chunks of broken asphalt and concrete!

Finally, Professor Igneous spoke: “Ahem,” he cleared his throat. “Perhaps you would be so good as to explain your collection to us, Mr. Tent. I can honestly say we’ve never seen another collection quite like it.” In the background, his students nodded in agreement.

“Well,” Malcolm began nervously, “I, uh, well … that is …” It had been a long time since he had said much of anything to anyone.

Professor Igneous could see how nervous Malcolm was. The poor man kept swallowing so hard his Adam’s apple was bobbing up and down. (Some of the students thought he was trying to swallow one of his rocks.)

Trying to help, the professor said, “Why not begin by telling us why you chose these rocks.” He picked up an ordinary gray rock that looked like most of the others. “Why did you choose this particular piece of limestone for your collection?”

“Oh, is that what it is?” Well, I think that’s the one I picked up when the laundry didn’t have my shirts ready on time. Wait! No, I think that’s for the time my favorite TV show got canceled. Or was it the time I ran inside to answer the phone, and the caller had the wrong number? Or …” Here he paused to search his memory. There were so many rocks! And they were so much alike—gray, hard, cold, dusty. Suddenly, Malcolm realized that that was all Professor Igneous and his students could see. To everyone else these were just plain old everyday rocks. Malcolm had to explain, to make them see.

“There’s more to these rocks than you might think. Every one of these rocks represents a time somebody made me mad or hurt my feelings. I picked up these rocks as reminders.”

Now the professor and his students were really amazed. They all began to speak at once: “I never heard of such a thing.” “How long have you been doing this?” “Can I take a picture of you with your rocks?” “Some field trip!”

Professor Igneous spoke again, and everyone became quiet. “Well, Mr. Tent,” he began slowly, “I must admit you’re the first person I ever met who collected rocks for that reason.” He paused and looked around. “You’ve been very kind to invite us into your home. And we don’t want to take up too much of your time. But do you suppose that while we are here we might see your other collection?”

A blank look came over Malcolm’s face. “I don’t have any other collection.”

“Oh, I see. I just thought you might have collected something to remind you of the nice things people have done and said. But, well, never mind. Perhaps we ought to be going now. Thank you so much for allowing us to come into your home. I think my students have learned something important.”

He gathered his students around him, and they moved toward the door. Then, turning to Malcolm once more the professor said, “We still have some time left this afternoon. Could you perhaps direct us to some of the other people with similar collections?”

Once more Malcolm was caught off balance. “I don’t know of any other collections like mine.”

“Oh. I just thought that perhaps some of the people you know would have collected something when you … I mean … if you ever … uh … annoyed them.” Then, quickly, he added, “Yes, well, good-bye, and thanks again.”

Without waiting, the professor and his students turned and marched off down the sidewalk.

Long after they were gone, Malcolm stood there, looking just like one of his rocks—cold and gray and very still. Within him, the professor’s words echoed. Around him, the house was silent. Too silent. He suddenly realized how pleasant the students’ friendly chatter had been. How long since he had had a friendly talk with anyone? Come to think of it, did he even have any friends anymore?

Then, before he could stop it, the thought came into his mind: “I’m becoming just like my rocks.” As Malcolm sat alone in the dark, he finally realized what unpleasant companions rocks are. And how unpleasant he … Well, some thoughts are hard enough to think without actually saying them.

For several days, for hours at a time, Malcolm sat still as a rock, thinking rock-hard thoughts. You might have thought he had finally become petrified. But deep inside him, something was waking up and beginning to grow, like a seed in the spring soil.

If you think it’s hard to find a home for kittens or gerbils or such, you should try finding someone who wants a bunch of very ordinary, dusty, gray rocks. In fact, just try gathering them up when they are scattered all over. Malcolm tried to hire cleaning ladies. They all told him the same thing: “I don’t do windows, and I don’t pick up rocks!” A “Free Rocks” sign in his window brought no results. Finally he realized that this was something he would have to do himself.

The neighbors still talk about the time Malcolm backed a rented trailer up to his front porch, and about the tremendous cloud of dust that rose as the rocks flew out into the trailer. They also talk about how much better Malcolm looks, how his clothes fit so much better (has he lost weight?), and how he actually smiles now.

Malcolm’s neighbors also point with pride to his attractive yard, with trees and flowers and bushes planted everywhere. They don’t have any explanation for his sudden interest in gardening. But one neighbor, Mrs. Kratz, did notice that after she had taken a piece of cake to him, Malcolm went out to the flower bed and planted a single seed.

Week #9 Challenge

At the end of each day, for seven days, write down the positive things your spouse did for you.  If you are not married, notice the kind things those around you do for you each day and write them down.  

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Isn't It About Saying, "I Am Sorry?"





Giving our spouse a gift, writing a note to a friend, or serving a member of your family are only a few of many ways we can express our love to those around us.  What about apologizing to someone we have hurt?  We do not typically think of this as a way of showing love.  It can be difficult to apologize to others, especially when we may not be the only person in the wrong.  A few years ago, I was taught by a wise Bishop of our Ward:  “I am sorry is another way to say I love you.”  What a beautiful thought!  There are days where I express my love multiple times in this manner.  I am grateful that when I make a mistake I can repent and show my love to my family members by saying, “I am sorry.”  

In “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard, PhD wrote a statement that was posted in front of a country church:  “A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.”  What would happen in our homes if we were more willing to forgive”?  Not only would we see changes in the relationship we have with our spouse, but everyone around us.
Week #8 Challenge
The next time you have an argument with your spouse, whether you feel you are in the right or not, say you are sorry.  If you are not married, pay attention more closely to interactions with your family members.  Be quick to say “I am sorry,” when necessary.



Saturday, October 29, 2016

Isn't It About Listening...


Have you ever been talking to someone and in the middle of the conversation, you find that your mind has been wandering and you have forgotten what you are even talking about?  I am all too often guilty of this!  As a mother of five girls, I am often multitasking.  My mind wanders, thinking about what I need to be doing next.  

Elder Robert D. Hales, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, shared an experience he had with his grandson.  His grandson hopped up next to him while he was reading the newspaper.  His grandson started talking.  He enjoyed hearing his voice as he read the paper.  After a few moments, his grandson pulled down the paper and asked, “Grandpa!  Are you in there?”  

I would ask the same question of all of us.  Are we “in there” when our spouse is talking to us, or are we so focused on what we are doing or thinking about to truly listen?  Giving council to parents of youth Elder Hales taught:  “we have to pay attention to them just as we would pay attention to a trusted colleague or close friend.  Most important is asking them questions, letting them talk, and then being willing to listen- yes, listen and listen some more…”  

I wonder what effect it would have on our marriages if we took the time to be present and truly listen to our spouse?  We have so many distractions all around us.  Can we take a few minutes each day to set aside those distractions and take time to listen to those who matter most?

Week #7 Challenge
Make a conscious effort to really listen to your spouse when you are having a conversation.  Put away that cell phone or any other distractions you may have.  If you are not married, take the time to pay attention and really listen to those you come in contact with this week.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Isn't It About Hard Work?



For the past three years our family has delivered phone books.  It definitely isn’t our favorite thing to do, but it works out to be a great job for our kids!  Each year we gear up for the month long, sometimes longer, process.  We go to the printing company and pick the three- thousandish phone books, unload them at our house, bag the phone books, and deliver them.  It sounds pretty simple, but it really is quite a bit of work.  I would be lying if I said we all got along famously during the process.  To be honest, I don’t think any of us are at our best during the month of phone book delivery.  Our arms get sore, our legs get tired, and there are usually tears involved…

You may ask if it is so much work, why do we put ourselves through the trouble?  

There honestly isn’t anything that feels much better (well maybe a trip to Disneyland or a day at a Spa) than when we have delivered that last phone book.  There is such a great feeling of accomplishment.  We know we have worked hard, and we have accomplished something difficult.  It is so good for our children, our whole family really, to know how good it feels to accomplish something hard.  It is good for them to know the benefits and rewards that come from good old fashioned hard work.  The paycheck also helps too...

Every year I am hesitant when we get the phone call asking if we would like to deliver again, but then I remember the payoff that comes at the end.  When we look at the whole picture, the hard work is definitely worth it!

How does this relate to marriage?  I have found over the years, marriage is hard work!  There are challenges and obstacles that are difficult to work through.  In relation to problems that arise in marriage H. Wallace Goddard PhD wrote:  “We can be mad and feel cheated because of those problems.  We can move on to another relationship- which will inevitably have its own set of problems.  Or we can become experts in dealing with the particular challenges faced in our current relationship.”  I think sometimes we think the way to solve our problems is to give up and move on.  I recently found this quote on Pinterest:  “The grass isn’t greener on the other side.  It’s green where you water it.”  As I look back on the challenges my husband and I have faced, they have been difficult, but we are so much closer and stronger from plowing ahead and watering AND watering the grass.  Dry spots come up, but as we keep working, even the dry spots become green again.  

Week #6 Challenge
Whether you are married or single, think of a time when you have faced a difficult struggle in your life.  How did this struggle change you?  Do you feel like you are a stronger person from this particular challenge?  Write down how this experience made you a better person.  



Friday, October 14, 2016

Isn't It About Friendship?



When you look at other couples that you feel are “happy,” what stands out to you?  When I think of the couples I consider to be happy, they seem like they are best friends.  They seem to genuinely enjoy being around each other, and they have fun together.    


When you started dating your spouse, was it a love connection right at first?  My guess would be probably not.  I think most marriages start out as friendships, and the relationship grows stronger from there.  


There may be times in our marriage where we may feel like we are more like business partners than friends.  How does this happen?  I think we get so focused on the things we need to do in our lives, that we forget why we married each other in the first place.  It is important for us to remember that we were friends first.  


Marriage therapist/researcher Dr. John Gottman has found:  “In successful marriages husbands and wives are best friends.”


Week #5 Challenge

  • Do something fun with your spouse this week.  This will remind you that you aren’t just partners, you are friends.
  • If you are not currently married, make a list of attributes you would like in a best friend.  Look for these attributes in those you date.  You can also work to develop some of these characteristics in your own life.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Isn't It About Looking For the Best?


When we look at our spouse, do we see the best in her or him?  I had an experience early on in my marriage that taught me a lesson.  It seemed that I blamed my spouse for a lot of things that went wrong.  It wasn’t until someone pointed out to me in a joking manner, that everything seemed to be my husbands fault, that I realized I needed to change. This was definitely difficult for me to swallow, but it was exactly what I needed to hear!  I was cutting my husband down to make myself look better, even trying to appear like a martyr at times. What a mistake this was!  Since I had this experience, I have done my best not to criticize him.  I can honestly say, he really doesn’t give me material to criticize.  I truly believe I was blaming him for things, to take the attention away from mistakes I was making. I am so much happier and love my husband more as I have learned to focus on what I need to work on, rather than his weaknesses.  

Ralph Waldo Emerson taught:  “Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is.  Treat a man as he could be and he will become as he should be.”  It is important for us to treat our marriage partners the way we would like to be treated.  
Bruce C. Hafen tells of two different women and their experiences in their marriages.  (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng&_r=1)  One woman was heartbroken because of her husband’s constant criticism of her housecleaning, cooking, and how she used her time.  Another woman wasn’t very self-confident when she married her husband.  Her husband found so much to praise in her, that she eventually felt she was a good person and that she mattered.

What type of husband or wife do we want to be?  Do we want to build up our spouse, or tear them down?  I would guess most, if not all, want to build them up.  I honestly believe, we don’t intentionally try to tear each other down.  

Perhaps we can all do a little better at paying attention to the way we treat the most important person in our home.  As we do our best to lift others, we can live the well-known Proverb:  “Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee and we’ll ascend together.”  

Week #4 Challenge
When your first reaction is to criticize your husband or wife, stop yourself.  Notice the positive things they do for you.

If you are not married, think of someone in your life that you want to improve your relationship with.  It can be a family member, friend, or co-worker.  In a situation where you might be tempted to be critical of them stop yourself, and notice something positive about them.  

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Isn't It About More?

Doctrine & Covenants 42:22 tells us, "Thou shalt love thy wife [husband] with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her [him] and none else." It can be difficult in marriage to focus on what is most important. There are so many distractions all around us, it can be easy to let unimportant things get in the way of our relationship with our spouse. Pres. Russell M. Nelson has taught us, "With true partners, one plus one is much more than two."

What are some ways that we can be a "true partner?" Here are a few ideas I came up with:

Listen to your spouse, really listen
Serve your spouse
Have fun together
Focus on the positive things your spouse does for you
Don't criticize your spouse

As we focus on what we can do better in our relationship, not only will our marriage be stronger, but one plus one will definitely add up to be much more than two!

Week #3 Challenge

  • Take a few minutes to make your own list of ways to become a "true partner." Choose one item on your list that you can focus on this week to become a better spouse. If you are not currently married, make a list of ideas of what you can do to improve the relationships with those around you. Work on one of the ideas you wrote down this week.
At the end of the week write down how doing this improved your relationship with your spouse/others.